Double Take

by Rose Murdock

I get off the elevator and find my way to my office.  It's really more like a cubicle but Karl calls them "offices".   We all have research to do and articles to write so we are very much aware that they are not offices.  All the noise of phones, keyboards and office gossip drift through the air and it would be so much easier to concentrate if I had a real office with a door to close.  I notice everyone seems to be watching me as I walk by.  I don't think I'm that late.  Carla is always later than I am.  Spoke too soon, here she comes.
 
"Did you see Brenda's outfit today?" Carla whispered as she stuck her head into my "office".  The emphasis was on today.  More like too-day.  It was one of those extremely sarcastic today's which meant that today was worse than anything so far.  It was the kind of today that meant that Carla just had to talk to me about Brenda as soon as possible.  And I can't wait to hear what she's got to say about it.

Brenda was the newest employee at Taylor & Rich.  She was probably in her late 40's and rumor has it that she's recently divorced.  Not that she confided these things to me personally.  Brenda and I have rubbed each other the wrong way ever since she started working here.  But, word gets around the office quickly and the word about Brenda was not usually good.  I don't know how much of it is true because, like I said, she never confided in me.  I never heard her talk about her personal life.   But if the rumors aren't true at least they make for good entertainment.  If Brenda won't tell us about herself, then we'll just make something up.  That's her fault for being so tight-lipped about it.

Carla and I meet in the kitchen to grab a mid-morning cup of coffee and a muffin.  Carla fills up a cup that everyone in the office knows is hers.  Her cup.  Sharon used it once.  Carla made it clear in no uncertain terms that nobody uses that cup.  It's just a cup.  I don't get her attachment--or more like possessiveness-- of it.  But whether we understand it or not we all leave it alone now.  

She starts out by giving me her analysis of Brenda's outfit.  She's like a little kid, giggling like she's got some secret news.

"You know she's got to be seeing Karl after work."  

"I thought this was about what she's wearing."   I answer, taking a bite of my crumbly apple muffin.

"It is!  Don't you get it?" 

"No."  I say, mouth full and wiping crumbs off my face.

"Why else would she wear that outfit to work?  A bit much don't you think?  And the way she's always hanging out in Karl's office.  You know she's been in there already this morning?"

"No way?"

"Yep.  She made her way there first thing off the elevator."  (Just how early did Carla get here today?  Or did someone else tell her about Brenda's visit to Karl's office?)  Carla continues, "I'm telling you they've got plans for after work.  He's probably taking her to that Chinese place he's always talking about."   Carla pauses for a sip and then starts again.  "And you know how she's always butting in to everybody else's business..."  

"Oh, she's even worse than Louise." I interrupt.  Now she's hit on my little pet peeve.  "You know what kills me?"

"What's that?"  Carla says as she takes another sip.  Her cup is still pretty full.  Obviously she's savoring this moment and in no hurry to finish her coffee.

"The way she leans across your desk like she's handing you something..."

"..uh, huh."

"And bends way over to try and read whatever it is you've got in front of you." I try and imitate her and Carla is laughing so hard at my poor imitation that I think she's going to drop that cup altogether.

"I know exactly what you mean.  She thinks she's got to know everybody else's business."  

"Everyone's."  I emphasize.  Satisfied for the moment, we both find our way back to work.

Sitting at my desk, I think for a minute about what Carla said about Brenda.  Yeah, her outfit was too fancy for work.  I wonder if she really is seeing Karl.  Isn't that wrong to date the boss?  If she thinks she's going to flirt her way into the next promotion then she's not going to have anybody left in the office on her side.  Not that she has anyone on her side now.  Renee is about the only person who doesn't talk bad about her but she doesn't talk bad about anyone.  I shake my head.  I've got to quit thinking about her if I'm going to get some work done.  Just then I realize I left my notebook in the kitchen and I get up to go get it.  I would hate for Brenda to get a hold of it.  I've got weeks worth of work in there.

As I walked past Karl's office something catches my eye.  There she was, laying some papers on his desk but standing as still as a photograph, peering over to read a memo on Karl's desk.  I just can't stand how nosy she is.  I lift up my hand and before I realize it, I'm pointing at her.  Where was Karl?  But, something else.  Something didn't look quite right.  What was it?  Was it her outfit Carla and I just got done ripping on?  Or her hair?  Wait.  The outfit.  It's not the one she was wearing this morning.  And her hair.  That doesn't look like Brenda.  What made me think it was her?  By now I'm standing in the doorway staring intently at her.  I'm still pointing at her.  "You are a busybody."  I think, but I don't speak.  As soon as she turns and looks at me I'm going to tell her what I think.  She butts in where she has no business to do so.  Someone needs to tell her.  I stand there pointing at her but she is so busy looking at that memo that she's not paying any attention to me.

"Brenda?"  She turns and looks up at me.  But it's not Brenda.  Why did she look at me then?  Who is she?  Her face is so familiar but it seems so--out of place.  Her hair--I know that hair.  Her clothes--I have a shirt just like... Oh my God!  I'm looking at me!  She's me!  I'm looking at my own face, my hair, my clothes.  It's me.  It can't be.  Is that a mirror?  Where am I at?   As my head begins to spin I immediately think of those circus houses with mirrors all over the place.  You see yourself everywhere but they're all distorted images of you.  This wasn't distorted.  I was clearly looking at myself.  This was no circus.  Everything goes white.

All these images.  Clowns.  Cotton Candy.  Circus rides. Carla's coffee cup. I wake up.  I don't move but I look around.  It's light outside.  I'm in my own bed.  It was a dream.  Thank God!   I look at the clock.  It's 1:00.  It must be Saturday.  No wonder I had a bad dream, I slept for at least 12 hours.  I get up, can't find my slippers, but I find the coffee.  I notice the coffee pot is already on.  Hmm.  I must have forgot it was Saturday and set it last night before going to bed.  I dump it out and make a fresh pot.  Where are my slippers?  What I usually enjoy about living alone is that things stay where you put them.  But I can't remember where I put my slippers.  I find them in the bathroom and make my way to the couch with a cup of coffee to think about that crazy dream I just had.  I was looking at Brenda, I thought, but it was really me.  And I was standing there pointing at her.  She was being nosy as usual, reading something on Karl's desk.  But when she finally looked up, she looked just like me.  I don't get it.  It seemed so real, but of course it was just a dream.

I pick up the stack of mail from the coffee table.  Gas bill.  Ads.  Daily Light.  My mom is always renewing my subscription to this little devotional.  I really should read it more often.  "Let's see, today is October 25."  I say out loud as I flip through the pages.  The thing I like about this little booklet is that the translation is newer and more modern.  It's more like everyday language.  I read today's devotional from Romans 2:

  ^{" 3}You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard?  ⁴Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change."  The Message

I've never really been one to believe in coincidences.  I mean, I believe they happen, but I don't think they're by accident.  Here I just had this crazy dream about me pointing my finger at Brenda calling her a busybody and then I read this thing about pointing your finger at others.  No, there's no coincidence here.  Maybe I read this before I went to bed last night.  Maybe that's why I dreamt this.  No.  I don't think so.  This is the first time I've read this.  I know that for sure.

For the first time I see that I've been doing the very same thing I've been accusing Brenda of.  Yeah, she's been nosy, but I've been worse.  I never could see that before.  What is it they say, "when you point your finger at someone else you have four more pointing back at you."  Not only have I been trying to get into her business, but I've put her down terribly in the process.  I read the last part again. "God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change."   Radical life-change.  That's what it would take for me to start minding my own business.  But that's exactly what I need.  Obviously I have my own life to attend to and I haven't been doing a very good job.

I realize that I'm having a very serious moment here.  (Did it just get lighter in the room?)  "God, I'm so sorry."  I say, and I sincerely mean it.  I don't know if it's the lingering effects of the dream or what, but somehow I know that I have been terribly wrong.  I can feel it inside of me and it is the most uncomfortable feeling.  "Please forgive me." 

Just then Carla comes bustling in through the door.  I usually keep it locked.

"Rebecca, you're up."  She says, as I'm trying to remember if we made plans for today.  "I brought something to eat.  Thank God you're O.K.  I was so worried."

I suddenly realize that October 25 is not a Saturday.  It's a Tuesday.  I did go to work this morning.  I feel like someone just hit me in the gut.

"I wanted to drive you home myself,"  Carla continues, " But of course Karl wouldn't have it.  You looked like you saw a ghost.  We really should have taken you to the hospital but you kept mumbling that you just wanted to go to bed.  If I wouldn't have been walking by right then, you would have hit the floor hard."  Carla continues rambling on but I can't hear a word she's saying. 

How far God would go to get me to see the truth.  Would He do something crazy like make me see myself in another person?  Literally see myself?  Somehow I know that because He's shown me this, I need to be willing to change.  Contrary to what I've been doing, He won't butt into my life without me asking Him to.  I see the love of God in a new light.  I see His guidance not as a restriction, but as love.  I see Him leading me down the right path.  I see Him steering me away from what would hurt me.  I suddenly want to know how it is He wants me to live.  And I know I need Him to help me.

"Rebecca?  Rebecca?  Are you O.K.?"  Carla has her hand on my shoulder now.  I slowly turn to look at her, knowing she has no clue as to what's happened to me.

"Carla," I finally manage to say, "God really loves us."  I can tell by the look on her face that she just doesn't get it--not yet anyway.