by Rose Murdock

I had just turned 6 years old a month before. Now it was two days before Christmas and my sister had just told me something I had begun to suspect—there was no Santa Claus. Even though I knew it was true it devastated me. Now, forty years later, I can still remember the feeling clearly. I felt hurt, betrayed, angry, humiliated and afraid. I felt hurt and betrayed because my parents and my five older brothers and sisters were all a part of this great deception. And not just my family, but everyone else I knew in the world had played a part in lying to me. It was an elaborate lie. One that went on for years. One that was talked about all through the year as my mother told me if I wasn’t good then I wouldn’t get anything from Santa Claus. One that increased with intensity during the Holiday season as everyone from aunts and uncles to teachers and grocery clerks all solicited excitement about what Santa would do this year. Discovering the truth hurt.

I felt angry with them because they lied to me and angry with myself for not knowing somehow that it was all a lie. I was humiliated because something I innocently believed in and got excited about turned out to be something people snickered at behind my back. To them, I was "cute". My innocence and excitement about the miracle of Santa Claus was nothing more than "cute" to them. But to me, trust was shattered and so was my innocence. Why did they let me set out cookies and milk for Santa? Why did they go to such extremes to lie to me? I was now suspicious of my family and the world. What else are they lying to me about?

I was afraid because I now knew I lived in a world that was not as it appeared. Those you know and love and trust could be hiding something from you. My foundation was shaken. No, Santa Claus was not my foundation, but trust in those close to me was. These people were all I knew. I had been birthed from my parents. They were the ones who fed me, clothed me and made me feel safe when I didn’t even know that there was anything out there that could hurt me. Of course this wasn’t the first time I felt afraid or disappointed. Less than two years prior when I was four years old the next door neighbors locked me in a room and told me there were ghosts in there. I was so terrified I only remember everything turning white and I blacked out. My sister was the one who just so happened to come to their door at the time to take me home for dinner. She was the one who came and took me away from the ghosts and my terror. And now she was the one telling me that they all had been lying to me and there really was no Santa Claus. Could I ever feel safe again?

I’m convinced, even today, that that lie did something to me that affected my relationships from then on. I remember one day, during the summer, quizzing my mom about Santa Claus. "How can he see everything?" I asked. She assured me that he saw everything and knew everything. When I said, "So he’s kind of like God then right?" She got mad but still couldn’t explain how he was different from God. In my life up to that point Santa Claus was more personal than God was. He brought us presents. He touched our lives in a real way by visiting our house. To find out that he wasn’t real was devastating. When I had doubts and questions about him, my mom had assured me that he was real, only for me to find out a later time that it was nothing but a great deception. An intentional deception. How can you trust people like that?

After I had children I was determined to tell them the truth about Santa Claus from the very beginning. I told them that he was not real. Yes, there may have been a Saint Nick who brought presents to kids, but there was no Santa Claus who flew to your house with reindeer and came down your chimney to bring you presents. I remember at one point my son screaming at me, insisting I was lying to him, "There is too a Santa Claus, you’re lying to me!" And with tears in my eyes I quietly told him that one day he would find out that I was the only one who told him the truth. I also remember telling my children that there were other kids who believed in Santa Claus and they were not to be the ones to tell them that he was fake. They should just be quiet about it and not tell them the truth. It was up to their parents to tell them the truth. Not long after I had that discussion with them my daughter and I were in line at a local department store. The cashier asked my daughter if she was excited about what presents Santa was going to bring her. I will never forget the priceless look on my daughters face as she turned and looked at me with a quirky smile that seemed to say, "Mom do you believe this lady still believes in Santa Claus?" She just turned to the cashier and smiled. We had a secret. The secret was the truth. But it shouldn’t be a secret. We shouldn’t be lying to our kids, and not only lying but also going to great lengths to carry out the lie. Have you ever really stopped and thought about what this elaborate lie is doing to our children’s young, impressionable minds?

It was probably sometime after I found out the truth that I began to insist that my mom not put baby Jesus in the manger of our nativity scene until Christmas morning. She had a little nativity scene that she would set out on top of the piano and she always, as most people do, put baby Jesus in the manger. I would take him out and hide Him behind the stable and tell her to make sure she put Him in the manger on Christmas morning. She could do it when she filled our stockings and put the presents under the tree. Yet it seemed that every year she would forget. I finally figured it would have to be my job to put baby Jesus in the manger and I would do that first thing when I woke up, even before opening my presents. I don’t think anyone else in the family noticed, but to me it was important that we celebrate the truth, and celebrate it accurately. If Christmas were to be a celebration of His birth then He just couldn’t be put in the manger until Christmas morning.

What are you celebrating this Christmas? Is it the birth of Jesus? Is it Santa Claus? Is it just a time for vacation from school and work? Has it turned into a burden with tremendous financial and social obligations? I would like to encourage all of you to have a simple and truthful holiday season. One where you enjoy all of the gifts God has given to you—family, friends, talent, health and time. And instead of looking at where you feel you might be lacking in those areas, find the good instead and be thankful for that. And even if you have nothing else to be thankful for, don’t forget to enjoy the greatest gift God has given all of us—His Son Jesus Christ. This Christmas, let’s celebrate His birth with all sincerity.